The notion that people can be friends after breaking up is a lot like alchemy. Many people have tried it over the years and yet we still find ourselves digging into mountains to find real gold. The following won’t get you any brownie points, but they will put a dramatic touch on the end of your relationship. Good luck!

1. Send her mother flowers and a note requesting that she tell her daughter that things just aren’t working out and you’re sorry.
2. Have a cake sent to her work and do the deed in frosting. Sending flowers that represent rejection (thanks, J!) may also help things along.
3. Invite her to your place for dinner. Promise to cook something fantastic. If she has keys to your place, have the locks changed. Give your cell phone to your neighbor with an explanation. It’s key that she hear your phone ringing nearby when she calls it to find you. Spend your evening with friends and enjoy yourself!
4. Send a letter detailing your intended break up and reasons to a bad address and use your new ex’s current address as for the return. The letter will be returned to its “sender” and she’ll be single and confused.
5. Buy her a puppy and have it delivered to her house. Make sure it has a lovely little collar with “[insert name here] doesn’t love you anymore. Give your love to me!”
6. Confess your love for her best friend.
7. Take her out for drinks. Find the grossest drunkest guy you can and tell him that “that woman over there” said she thinks he’s cute and that you know she’s very much single.
8. Call her brother. Tell him you’re gay and ask to start seeing him. This will only have the desired effect if he’s straight.
9. Take the facebook/myspace craze to a new level and get one of her friends to post a note about how you told this friend that you were breaking up that night.
10. Break up with her over the phone and call her by the wrong name in the process.

Do not blame me if one of the above backfires on you and a wedding ensues. Stranger things have happened. Just know that the more she hates you at the moment you break up, the more quickly she’ll get over you.

What do you think?

Seth

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