The odd, rageful, beautiful little book’s inspiration lies in the commingling of insipid bedtime story rhymes with the inner monologue of the wildly irritated parent: “The owls fly forth from the treetops./ Through the air, they soar and they sweep./ A hot crimson rage fills my heart, love. / For real, shut the fuck up and sleep.” The stylish parody relies for its humor and frisson on a certain level of frustration, an over- the- top, pent-up fury toward one’s children, because without that fury, it’s simply not that funny. The idea of saying “shut the fuck up” to a 3-year-old is hilarious and enthralling only if you are channeling an awful lot of that “hot crimson rage.”

This excerpt is from Katie Roiphe’s review of Go the F**k to Sleep — a snarky, smart, and sarcastic “children’s book for grown-ups” that’s currently sitting at the top of Amazon.com’s bestsellers list.

While I’m sure the book is a funny read, a huge part of its popularity definitely has to do with its perversely hilarious (or hilariously perverse) title.

As Roiphe points out in her review, it’s definitely not right to tell a toddler to shut the f*ck up. But, anyone who’s ever had a child or a young sibling has undoubtedly had a similar thought go through their head before…and probably also followed that thought with “Damn. I’m really tempted to just chuck this kid in the closet right now. Does this mean I’m going to Hell?”

This thought isn’t limited to child raising though. We all have relatively insignificant things that we regularly do and ideas that we ponder that sometimes border on the “Damn. I must be an evil motherf*cker” fence; shit that, if we actually do end up going to Hell, the demon bouncers at the door can run on a video loop for us like “See? This is exactly why you’re here.”

Here’s 10 things that might be on my eternal damnation mixtape.

1. While driving, I occasionally become the most racist, sexist, homophobic, jingoistic, and just generally misanthropic person on the planet

Have you ever — in your head — cussed out a blind man in a wheelchair because he took maybe 1.5 seconds too long to cross the street? No? You’ve never done this, never called him a “blind, black, sh*tf*cker“…in your head? Never asked him — in your head — why he wasn’t at “…some home for blind, black, bastards instead of trying to cross city streets?” No?

Well, I have.

2. If I’m washing my hands and my girlfriend’s cat happens to be within 10 feet of me, I splash him with water

He hates it sooooo much too. Seriously, it’s like each drop of water is 5,000 volts of electricity.

3. I think about things while at Church that no decent man should ever think about

Because I still want to have a girlfriend after today, I think I’ll pass on writing out some of these thoughts. Lets just say, though, that I sometimes except to get hit with a bolt of lightning as soon as I leave

4. I occasionally (and intentionally) take 15 to 20 items to the 12 items or less line at Giant Eagle

Trust me, you haven’t lived until you’ve tried to convince a 15 year old cashier that 10 bottles of Gatorade should really count as one item.

5. I lie to homeless people

Thing is, I do actually give money more times than not. I’d say I give 70 percent of the time that I’m asked while I have cash on me. But, there’s that other 30% where I’m either turned-off by the approach, in a hurry, or just don’t feel like taking the effort to go into my pocket, and I turn into a 6 foot, black Pinocchio.

6. I occasionally speed for no good gotdamn reason

If you’re ever driving through Pittsburgh and you’re wondering who’s the asshole in the white 2011 Charger that’s racing people from stoplight to stoplight (While always staying within a respectable range of the speed limit. It’s not a game with my “speeding as much as the law allows me” game), it might not be me, but, well…it probably is me.

***I’m also very aware that driving a Charger could very well make me a douchebag, especially when considering the fact that, out of all the people I know with them, I have the least amount of kids (none), tattoos (only two) and cartons of Muscle Milk in my trunk (none also).***

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7. I regularly pee in public

I once even peed while standing in line for a club, an act that was both completely disgusting and completely genius advertisement¹.

8. I say “BRB” and “BBL” even if I have absolutely no intentions on coming back

Sometimes, I just don’t feel like going through the chat goodbye motions with everyone. And, when I’m feeling especially lazy, I just cut and paste the same “brb” message in everyone’s window

9. On the rare nights where I do decide to pray before going to bed, I usually fall asleep in the middle of the prayer

Seriously, I can’t even remember the last time I made it through the entire prayer. Now, mind you, my prayers tend to be on the long side. I have a routine and I try not to leave anyone out, but lately I haven’t even been making it past the “down” in the “Now I lay me down to sleep” intro.

10. I drink everything from the carton, take bites of pieces of chicken and put them back in the bowl, leave my spoon in the carton of ice cream in the fridge, and double-dip chips

What? F*ck you. It’s my food.

Anyway, falks, can you think of any reason why you just might be going to Hell? Any clips that the demon greeters will play on repeat when you ask them “How the hell did I get here?”

¹Why? Well, even if you’re not particularly well-endowed, the women in line with you will subconsciously appreciate the balls and Hakuna Matata-ness it takes to do something like that, and it could very well lead to a truck party later