Dear Alex,

When I sleep over at my boyfriends, I get really hot. Not hot as in horny, but hot as in my body temperature cranks up when I’m in bed with him. He falls asleep and I just lay there, hot and sweating. I don’t want to go to the couch out of fear he’ll think I don’t want to sleep with him. What should I do??

- Hot and Sweaty

Dear Hot and Sweaty,

Blankets

Could it be something around you making you sweat? Does your boyfriend leave the heater on or perhaps sleep under 17 blankets? Some men feel more secure with their bodies when they are covered in multiple blankets or quilts. For example, I sleep under 3 goose downs, a goat down, and a bear pelt. I never sweat because I am always alone and very cold. So next time you tuck yourself in why don’t you maybe move your arms around the bed and see if you’re in a fortress of plush.

Rehash Your Day

Like I said, I get really hot and sweaty when I am in bed but that’s because God blessed me with a body that allows me to get very winded as I go up the stairs. To combat this I recap the days events in my head and suddenly I get really cold and clammy. Things like “eating a lean cuisine alone” and “using that floating dog leash so it looks like I’m a responsible adult” come to my head and I start shivering! Why don’t you try thinking of when your boyfriend got mad at dinner because you made his steak “medium well” and not “like medium well”. Soon you will be thankful that he made a bear rug to cover his bed.

Maybe You Are Preggers

Do you have a hill on your stomach that you didn’t have a few months ago? Have you made your “Cheat Day” everyday and you just eat ice cream and cry? I don’t know a lot about having babies because as a man I don’t have to worry about that stuff. My only job is to forget the kids names and occasionally get out of my recliner and hit them. I think you are supposed to piss on a tree stump and if anyone catches you doing it, you’re pregnant. Then again, I was nominated as most likely to miss my child’s birth because of the midnight release of the Avengers.

Stop Reading Cosmo

My final suggestion would be to just stop reading the sex story in the back of Cosmo before you go to bed. I understand that it is a rush to read about Chris, the hunky insurance salesman, who just happened to stumble upon Jessica, the lonely, busty woman, doing naked yoga covered in canola oil but this is what is making you so hot. Try this: instead of reading that, turn on your computer and play some Chatroulette. Seeing many foreign middle aged dongs being waved around like some kind of foreign dong pride parade should get you very cold and scared. If it doesn’t, then I’m sure there is a article on this site about fetishes.

If none of those suggestions work then you might have a rare condition called “eating seven doughnuts before you go to sleep” also don’t wipe the sweat with a slice of roast beef. What I am trying to say is you might stand to lose 75 pounds if when you lie down without food for 20 minutes your body bleeds salt water. Just promise me that this “boyfriend” you speak of is not just a sculpture of a man made of cheese and butter.

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