You may not know this, but your friendly neighborhood is something like a damn G.

That’s “G” as in gangsta. I walk with a lean. I lean with a swagger. I turn my swag on every morning when I wake up after looking in the mirror and saying to myself, “what’s up”.

Today, as I ventured to get some vittles for the lunchtime hour, I made my way to Quiznos. Upon entrance, the first thing I noticed is that standing in line right in front of me is a Crip. How do I know this? Well, he was dressed in blue and gray, with blue shoelaces, and a Blue bandana, creased perfectly, hanging from his back left pocket.

Even the most out-of-the-loop person knows that “only on the left side, yeah that’s the Crip side.” Of course dude stuck out to me. I’m a young, Black male from the South who’s had experience with the criminal artistry. He also wore a chain with a fingers twisted up into a “W” for Westside. So he must be from Cali so he’s a real Crip. Interesting; must be out here visiting family.

Yo no se.

But what he did next was even MORE interesting. You see, this fellow, this Cali Crip paid for his food with a debit card.

Say heffa say what?!?!

Gangstas have bank accounts?!?!?!?! What part of the game is that? Street level gangstas make violent withdrawals not deposits.

I was befuddled.

But it got me to thinking. Now, clearly there are going to be some gangstas with bank accounts. Some of these cats have real jobs and nowadays just about everybody makes you do direct deposit. But there really are some things that no gangsta is doing.

So who else but a damn G like me should give you the list. Get like me.

Panama Jackson makes the trap say “ay”.

Ahem.

1. Reading

I’m not even sure this needs an explanation, but if you are reading (or even reading this right now you’re not a gangsta. Reading takes away from real gangsta activity, like murder. Gangstas don’t read about murder, they’re out doing it and honing their craft. And yes, comic books, Kool-Aid packs, street signs, contracts, newspapers, and the Qu’ran count.

2. Carrying and/or Using An Umbrella in the Rain

Gangstas don’t give a sh*t about rain. True nobody wants to get soaked but you can’t pull a .45 out, run, and then buck if you got an umbrella in one hand. Gangsta’s just rock hooded rain jackets (only black, blue, or red [for the Bloods only as there is really no good reason to wear red]. How am I supposed to take your robbery attempt serious if you are really concerned about not getting wet while asking me for my wallet?? Please, for drama’s sake, leave the umbrella at home.

And for goodness sake, do not have one with designs, or funny little cartoons. Not only are you not gangsta then, you’re a borderline metrosexual and probably shop at Express for Men, or dress like Ne-Yo.

3. Licking an Ice Cream Cone

This might be one of the least gangsta and most gayest things a grown ass man can do in public. If I see you eating and licking an ice cream cone like you want to work your local corner and simultaneously showing me why your girl is always so happy AND THEN you try to rob me, I just might be offended because that means you think I’m more p*ssy than you are. I might have to attempt to kill you on that premise alone.

Also, gangstas don’t use words like premise.

4. Dancing

Section 187-254-211 of Code 401 of the Gangsta Fo’ Lyfe Handbook explicity states that “Gangsters don’t dance, they boogie.”

(Not that you’d know that because gangstas don’t read remember?? This means that if you are reading this you can feel free to dance. )

5. Whistling

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. Whistling is the most confusing thing to understand ever. If you are a true gangsta, you aint whistling cuz that’s what happy white people do. And old white woman will think you ain’t a killer if you whistle and they’ll speak to you then you’ll have to kill her to re-establish your gangstanificence. And you just don’t need that kind of heat on you right now gangsta.

And don’t even THINK about saying hello to her back. Only ice grills, killa, only ice grills.

Well that’s my short list of ungangsterisms. What else ain’t you doing if you’re a gangsta!?!?!

Inquiring minds would like to know.

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