SOMEBODY signed off on this sh*t. See what I'm saying? Maybe not publicly, but somebody in the Jackson family OK'd Flex Alexander as Michael. N*ggas from Gary and they went gorilla.

I’m not very fond of using the n-word. In fact, on the list of words that I use the least in my daily interactions with people, the n-word would probably be somewhere around the 5,763rd most used word. Basically, not at all. However, the antics of the Jackson clan in the past few weeks have me reupping my n-word quotient more than Paul Mooney in Harlem. These motherlovers are bit players in a non-network backed reality show that makes Love & Hip-Hop: Atlanta look like Masterpiece Theatre mixed with Fela Goes To Harvard.

Despite the fact that my first two sentences were obviously poppycock, the Jacksons seem to have collectively lost their damn minds. We’ve got reports of Paris and Janet slapboxing, Tito Jackson becoming the centerpiece of common sense and being relevant for the first time ever, Katherine either being kidnapped, doing yoga, or pulling a Forrest Gump and walking to Arizona or some sh*t, maids being fired…and I’m sure somebody played “Centipede”, like, really really loud.

And all of this is over Michael’s will? Well, not all over his will, these are the Jackson’s after all. I mean, have you seen Jermaine’s head? It’s already a Wax Museum Hall of Fame candidate for most realistic wax figurine ever. But apparently a small contingent of them ninjas are taking issue with the executors of MJ’s will pretending that they’re bad. Or something. Then we get car chases and broken security gates. Michael did not die for this sh*t. And to think, Michael’s antics are seeming like the LEAST non-sensical at this point. And that motherf*cker wanted to be Peter Pan. Like for real.

But then you get to thinking. This is a family that’s pretty much known only a short stint of normalcy. Michael’s entire life has been spent as a performer and living under a microscope. And his fame dragged the rest of his family into the limelight. Latoya was the first to really throw Joe under the bus as a people-beater. I’m also not entirely sure what the hell she ever did for a living. If I’m not mistaken – and I’m sure a cursory read of Wikipedia could clear this up – but didn’t Jermaine steal Randy’s baby-mama and then have kids with her?? So Randy’s kid has cousins AND siblings AT THE SAME DAMN TIME?? AND one of their names is Jermajesty. Michael didn’t seem to like his family and preferred playing with the same tigers that tried to eat Roy’s lunch. Or Siegfried. Which ever one.

Janet…well, Janet has had a more interesting go than she’s been given credit for. She’s been married a couple of times and dated Jermaine Dupri. Needless to say her taste in men needs work. But she was the probably the most normal until you realized she both signed onto and agreed to act out THE single most ridiculous scene in a Tyler Perry movie ever. And that’s saying something.

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I would mention the other Jackson ninjas but let’s be real, who cares about them. You’d probably think they’re in your tapedeck now, but they’re in the back seat of your truck with duct tape stretched out. Basically, despite all of this seeming totally crazy, the truth is they’re just a bunch of ninjas from Gary, Indiana who came up in the THE most major way possible. To that end, Michael was like the worst offender in hip-hop who made it and put his boys on. Except they all sucked. Except in this case they didn’t suck, they just weren’t nearly as talented as their supremely talented brother. And I realize that MJ didn’t put them on and they came up together, but let’s be real, when Mike went solo, did ANYBODY actually care about a Jackson’s album? No. Even though his first few solo albums tanked before he signed to Epic and created Off The Wall, he still was the name. F*ck Otis, wasn’t nobody EVER coming to see Marlon.

Where am I going with this? Good question. The point here is that while all of this seems ridiculous (and is), if you put their family in context of where they came from, it really doesn’t seem that odd. You’ve got bickering family. Grandmother’s breaking the f*ck out. Car chases. Somebody yelling “b*tch”. Bad hairstyles. A n*gga named Tito. And a last name of Jackson. They’re just a bunch of n*ggas handling things like a bunch of n*ggas from Gary handle things. The only difference is that there are lawyers and TMZ tracking the entire row of shenanigans. Michael Jackson was the family sex tape and now they’re all famous because of it. It also helps that you actually can’t make any of this sh*t up on your own. The combination of f*cksh*t that is occuring with this family right now is almost to unprecedented levels.

Anybody familiar with Bill Simmons knows about the “Tyson Zone” and now the “Ron Artest Zone”, but let’s be real here, neither of those zones is touching the “Jackson Zone” right about now. And we STILL have no effin’ clue what any or all of this is really about. They’re just a Black family with white children fighting about stuff right now, publicly. And it likely would have been all good if Katherine hadn’t gone missing.

And where the f*ck is Joe during all of this?

The Jacksons…an American dream.

Be real (Black for me), is any of this surprising to you given the family involved?