Unless you’ve been underneath aretha’s areolas a rock for the past 36 hours, you’ve undoubtedly heard about the domestic abuse scandal involving r&b megastars chris brown and rihanna, who are apparently attempting to follow in the star-crossed and dysfunctional footsteps of sid and nancy, ike and anna mae, and diddy and chapstick.

although the pop culturalist in me is i’m interested in seeing exactly whose image will take the biggest hit…

***my guess? in the pop community: chris brown. in the black community: rihanna. i’d bet a 20 to anyones 5 that this is exactly how it will play out***

…i’m not going to get all tmz-ey on you and discuss the minutia of the allegations. at the same time, though, the situation does highlight a relevant topic.

according to the rumors, brown’s actions were a direct result of him finding out that ms umbrella was out poning de river without an, ummm, raincoat…which eventually led to him getting drenched as well.

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we’ve already discussed the potential dangers of retaliatory sullivan-esque window-busting, but whats continually ignored and dismissed is the scorned man. more specifically, what the hell is a scorned man supposed to do?

before i continue, i want to make it clear to the chicken littles out there that this isn’t a plea to take it easy on mr. kiss, kiss. i’m just using his situation as a segue for my main point. i don’t condone or support any type of domestic violence, ever. sh*t, i even spearheaded a short and ill-conceived movement a few years ago to have undershirts referred to as “lady massagers” instead of “wife beaters (***editors note*** the champ is lying)

with that being said, the plight of the scorned man is exacerbated by the fact that he usually doesn’t have many outlets. for instance, a woman usually has a safe nest of vulva scented feminine softness to land in if cheated on. although she may have to guard for chickenhawk wang buzzards thirsty for her leftovers, most woman can rely on a girlfriend or two to support her.

i mean, sh*t, theres an entire billion dollar industry complete with magazines and television stations (lifetime, oxygen, playboy) built around the idea of the downtrodden chick.

***lets put it this way: women scorned and cheated on is some melodramatic tear-jerking one-word titled (ie: “enough!!”) miniseries starring meredith baxter-birney and rosie perez. a man scorned and cheated on? its “forgetting sarah marshall”***

a man, on the other hand, usually has few to turn to, mostly because of the stigma of being scorned. where a scorned woman draws immediate sympathy because we been socialized to think that men in relationships will inevitably f*ck up, a scorned man is usually given five minutes of sympathy…immediately followed by some variant of “what the hell did you do to her to cause her to do this to you???”, which is then followed by “stop b*tching and man the f*ck up!!!. lets go bag some sluts”

if a guy admits to being cheated on, he then faces the stigma of having his sexual prowess questioned. this time, the five seconds of sympathy are followed by “i mean, if he was taking care of things in the bedroom, she wouldnt have cheated, right? maybe somethings missing down there”.

with this being said, again, what exactly is the scorned man supposed to do?

honestly, i dont know.

what i do know, though, is that although i continually jab at the existence of chick logic and the aura of impenetrable illogicisms permeating it, i do  admire their (usually) stigma-less freedom to discuss sh*t like this with each other.

of course, i’m lying again. (***editors note*** no he’s not)